Ask for No Ice

2009-07-16T11:02:00.000-07:00

Since this is my first "public" post, my previous attempt having been deemed unsuitable for minors and hirsute ethnics (is that redundant?), I want to share a secret with you, dear readers of The Barry Rides. Please note that this secret is nearly a legend, a story whispered by teachers, credible witnesses, lawyers, journalists and honorable lawmakers, people too afraid to admit the truth for fear of deadly reprisal. I have no similar fears, so I will disclose this information. Remember, this shocking tale is true, every word of it. Brace yourselves, for though initially painful, this disclosure will, in the end, set you free -- the Holocaust is a lie! The entire thing, including the vast network of railways and stations (all of it subcontracted by Amtrak to Polish freelancers), as well as the camps (nothing more than a series of cabins in the Adirondacks),was principally staged at Hal Roach Studios in Culver City.

That paragraph has nothing to do with the rest of my post, so consider it a gift, something you can share with friends over cocktails. "Jim, you watch the History Channel, right? No, I don't have a TV. But I, like you, have a passion for facts. Battles, wartime drama, that kind of stuff. Anyway, my dentist - he's Jewish, think Marathon Man meets Conspiracy Theory - told me, I could only listen as I was heavily anesthetized and staring directly at the hygienist's cleavage, that the Holocaust was a lie. I swear, God as my witness, when he said that I got a huge woody. Could have been the hygienist's tits in my face, but I find the truth exciting."

Now, for the good stuff. I have nothing but contempt for people who, when dining at an expensive restaurant, order drinks without ice, the theory being that, at three bucks for a Coke, the ice consumes more of the glass than the soda itself. That's it: my ADHD prevents me from writing more. To repeat: the Holocaust is a lie, and ice is a Nazi weapon.

The Lewis Blog

Ask for No Ice